2/22/10

it was the happiest and scariest day of my life. i had always wanted to be a mommy. there was nothing else i really wanted to do in life. there was no huge career that i wanted .. i just wanted to have a baby and raise kids with someone i loved. my dream came true and it was twice as nice.

that morning after dr privette told me that we had no choice but to deliver .. i was terrified. i wasn't scared for myself and the cesarean but i was scared for my babies. i wanted them so badly and i wanted them to be as healthy as possible. i didn't want them to come this early. jarrod ate a snickers bar because he was worried he was going to pass out [lol] called my parents, his parents and hannah as he was changing in his scrubs. i just laid there with thousands of things going through my mind. i pictured what they would look like at 1lb 11oz and had a flashback of when dr. parsons came to my room to explain things about their intensive care nursery. by this time i was being taken into the OR. i was in there alone with a LOT of people. i think they have more when there's a multiple pregnancy .. and defiantly because i was so early. i remember looking up at the huge lights and started to lose it. i was genuinely scared about everything and my husband wasn't allowed in yet.

the anesthesiologists [there were two] were so nice and saw that i was getting upset. they talked to me and told me i was doing great. i had a spinal .. and it was probably the most painful thing i've ever had done. it was WOW. i hated the way it made the bottom half of my body feel .. especially since i had only felt two contractions the whole time .. and i was not in any pain. i saw dr. privette come in and the attending from the night before stayed as well to help. she assured me that they were going to take good care of me and i believed her. i remember right when i got pregnant i had wanted her to deliver but there's quite a few doctors at the office so it would be luck seeing her on the day i would go into labor. i probably would've been a lot worse off if she wouldn't have been the doctor to walk in that morning. she helped me more than she'll probably ever know. i keep her near and dear to my heart. anyways .. after the spinal they started giving me fentanyal since i am allergic to most pain meds .. especially morphine. i was a little out of it when they let jarrod in. he later told me he felt like he was outside waiting for hours. dr wells [who did my first and second trimester screenings] saw him in the hallway and calmed him down a little since he could tell he was on edge. once he was seated near me they pulled the cover and started. the only thing i really remember was a lot of pressure and tugging. then dr privette saying 'you have a beautiful baby girl, amanda' and payton louise penland arrived into the world. it was 8:57am. not but a few seconds later i heard a small cry and dr privette telling us that our baby boy looked great. sawyer james penland was born at 8:58am.

a few seconds later they asked jarrod if he wanted to go see them. he most def. said yes and left me on the table cut wide open lol. i don't blame him. i would've given anything to see them at that moment. i wouldn't see them for about 2 hours. he came back and had tears in his eyes. he kept reassuring me that they were okay and they were beautiful. he said they both held on to his finger and they were doing fine. she was intubated on the spot .. sawyer was breathing pretty well to begin with.

it seemed like days to get into the recovery room and for the spinal to wear off. i had to wiggle my toes before they would move me to my room. i was shaking horribly which made my incision hurt worse. the nurse told me that some people have that as a side effect of the anesthesia and it was about to drive me crazy. eventually jarrod came in and checked on me .. but a girl beside me had an issue and jarrod needed to leave the room. they called him afterwards and he was able to come back in with me.

on my way to the room i saw jarrod's parents, his brother and kristen [my sister in law] in the waiting room. i was really out of it since they were pushing the pain medicine every 5 minutes. [it's a low dose .. which the nurse reminded me that i was in more pain than most because they usually give one dose of morphine and you're pretty much good to go]. i pushed the button every 5 minutes. sometimes every 3 or 4 .. but it would just make a noise like 'yeah right, it hasn't been 5 yet, girlfriend'. i can't remember [probably due to the fentanyal] if i went to my room first or to see the babies first. i believe they took me to the ICN first. i was still in the bed of course so i couldn't really see them well. i saw sawyer's leg and his foot first and then i saw a lot of leads and tubes. my heart broke. i wanted to do everything for them and i couldn't do anything. payton was across from him and i could only see that she was intubated and also had a lot of tubes. they took me to my room quickly. i will post a picture of payton and sawyer but i will only post these two. i can't look at the pictures of them in the beginning because it breaks my heart .. but just so you can see how far they've come :

Sawyer

Payton

i was taken back to my room and my dad and mom [carolyn] were waiting in the room for us. it was a relief to see them there. jarrod's family came in and i was heavily medicated and was in and out the whole time.

then i woke up. jarrod was in the room and i asked him how the babies were. i couldn't believe they were no longer in my tummy. i was upset. i wouldn't feel them move and kick anymore .. and they weren't in the room with us either. i knew that jarrod was getting anxious about wanting to go see them .. but he knew that i coudn't because i wouldn't be able to get out of bed due to the section. i know him well and just looked at him and told him to go. i wanted to know what was going on as much as i was scared to know what was going on. he left me in the room and i cried.

it's amazing how much you love your babies before they're even born .. but ask a woman whose baby [babies] are in the ICN and she can't explain the love they have for him/her and how much she is scared to death she is. most parents never experience the ICN with 25 weekers and the feeling i'm talking about .. but those that do know that their heart stops beating for a period of time until they know their babies are going to make it.

but jarrod and i knew that the Lord was in that delivery room with us and has continued to be with them every step of the way. he gave us the best nurses, doctors and RTs we could've ever asked for.

our journey of 109 days in the NICU begins.