ICN.

payton spent 109 days in wake med's intensive care nursery. sawyer spent 93 days. i wont be able to list everything they endured but here is some of the things that happened during their roller coaster ride through the ICN.

sawyer.

he got off to a wonderful start. he was put on CPAP. jarrod and i could've believe he was breathing so well .. we just didn't know this was called the 'honeymoon phase'. it soon ended and he was put on a ventilator. sawyer also had a PDA and was given medicine to help close it. it wasn't a guarantee it would close but it had a good track record. it didn't look like it was going to close and they were going to schedule a PDA litigation on a monday. it closed just in time. we were SO relieved. however .. he does still have somewhat of a heart murmur but nothing bad. sawyer was having a hard time breathing and ended up on a jet ventilator. he didn't want to be touched or even looked at or he would d-sat. they kept the lights down low and cornered off his pod to keep it as peaceful as possible. he was given steroids to get him off the ventilator. we were scared about the steroids but we weighed the pros and cons. sawyer had to be sedated pretty much 24/7. he was on a fentanyal drip and wasn't able to have breast milk for awhile. they pushed fats, lipids and other nutrients he needed that way. his eyes were fused shut for awhile also. he had quite a few blood transfusions. he also had a PICC line. he had a lot of lines. at one point i didn't think there was anything the boy wasn't on or didn't have in the ICN hooked up to him. it was very hard to see him like that. when he was on the jet his whole body would oscillate .. it was heartbreaking. sawyer has CLD .. which is chronic lung disease .. they told me that it's a horrible name for what it is .. but it's where lung tissue is damaged and just needs to heal. he was on a ventilator for weeks, C-PAP, vapotherm and then just the nasal cannula. he came home on O2 and a monitor. he finally kicked the habit about a week ago and is doing great. he has had his eyes checked every week .. then every two weeks to watch out for ROP. his eyes are getting much better and his doctor said he is pretty much healed. he seemed to have it a little rougher lung wise than payton did. he of course had a feeding tube and then did well with the bottle after awhile. the suck, swallow, breathe technique is very hard for these little babies. i didn't think we'd ever get it down pat. i'm sure there are things i'm forgetting but those are the bigs things with him.

payton.

she was intubated as soon as she was born. i believe she was on the vent for a couple of days and then went to bubble C-PAP. she wasn't intubated again. she also has CLD and we didn't think she would ever get off SiPAP. we all joked that she was going to take it to pre-school with her. unlike sawyer .. payton had an IVH .. which stands for intraventricular hemorrhage. both babies had brain scans 3 days after their birth to look for this. sawyer had nothing and payton had a grade II. IVH is bleeding into the fluid filled areas surrounded by the brain. grades I and II involve a small amount of bleeding and don't usually cause any long term problems. when i found out about her bleed it was the first time i cried in the ICN. i couldn't help it. i usually tried to wait until i was alone or when no one was around to break down .. but i couldn't help it. even though it was so much better than what it could've been .. it was still my baby and i was scared. grades III and IV are very bad and can cause horrible problems later in life. i prayed to God everyday about everything with the babies but this was one of those i emphasized. payton also has a small PDA and it closed enough with medicine so she didn't have to have surgery either. she still has a heart murmur as well. she had a few blood transfusions and PICC line as well. she had very sensitive skin so the tape used for the PICC line ripped some of her skin off when it was removed. you can still see where the tape was on her arm. payton's biggest issue that kept her from coming home was feedings. we have to thicken up her formula with 'simply thick' so that she doesn't choke on it. she was having some As and Bs and definitely couldn't send her home that way. they found out what worked best for her and it put her in the right direction of home.

these two paragraphs really can't even begin to explain everything they went through. it's amazing how strong our babies are. they've been through far more than i've ever been through and they hadn't even reached their due date. i sometimes feel like it's my fault they had to endure all of this but i try to remind myself that i did everything right. i mean .. everything. i wouldn't even sit in a bathtub because i was scared of getting too hot or getting some kind of infection. i really took it far with being paranoid about the pregnancy. i was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. you can imagine the relationship i have with my cervix now. [not that i cared for it before .. but now it's totally different!]

we wouldn't have been able to get through our stay at the ICN if it weren't for the nurses RTs and most of the doctors. we only had one doctor we did not care for .. the rest we loved. i figured i would thank some of the people that made a huge difference in our lives and how i consider them family now.

susan.

we met susan the very first night the twins were born. i actually didn't meet her that night since i couldn't get out of bed but jarrod did. she was most definitely his favorite from the start. if you know anything about jarrod penland .. it's that he doesn't care much for many people.

i knew when he started talking about her .. she had to be amazing. i met her the following night .. and she gave it to us straight. that's one of the things jarrod liked so much .. she was honest with what was going on. she told him what he could expect to happen .. that it was not going to be easy by any means and that we were going to belong to the ICN for awhile. we both appreciated this honesty even though it was scary. susan was the only one in those first few days that really let us know what was going on. susan had our babies every monday, tuesday and wednesday that she worked. there was one week out of 4 months that she didn't have the babies and that was due to being charge nurse. i believe there was maybe 1 or 2 other days that she didn't have them towards the end but that was it. we always slept better at night when she had the babies. we didn't sleep much .. but when susan had the babies we knew they were going to be okay. i knew i could ask her ANYTHING and she would be completely honest with me no matter how difficult it would be to hear the answer. we all decided that she would be grandma susan. we love her dearly and i honestly don't know what i would've done without her. i've never seen jarrod care for someone other than his family like he cares for her as well. we have an immense respect and gratitude for her and is so thankful she accepted the role of grandma to the twins (: she'll forever mean the world to our family. we are blessed to have met her.

nancy g.

you are one of the best nurses and people i've ever met. you helped me smile on days when that was the last thing i wanted to do. i've shared so many laughs with you and you'll always be one of my favorite people. you're so down to earth and caring. your kids are very lucky to have you as a mother. i don't have my mom in my life anymore and you and susan kind of get the split custody of me hah. i don't think i'll ever be able to thank you enough for everything. i mean .. it takes a special person to shake my breast milk up and get it all over yourself and be okay with it. ;) you are very loved by us and will always be here for you. we have some hilarious inside jokes [rude boy] and i smile every time i think of them. thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything. we love you as well.

emily.

i always felt like pay and saw were in good hands when you had them. you made us feel comfortable leaving the hospital that they were doing good. you even took all the crap jarrod gave you and gave it right back! i knew i could get great advice from you and you genuinely cared for our babies. that alone is indescribable. you are most def aunt emily. i don't have my sister in my life so i've always looked to you as that role. thank you for loving and caring for them .. you're wonderful and you'll be a great mommy when you and andy decide to have babies (: we love you.

there are so many more nurses that helped us in ways i can't even put into words. shelley .. you made me laugh so hard sometimes i couldn't even breathe and loved hearing your stories. i still want your iPad ;). but thank you mostly for praying with me that day. you'll never know what that means to me. there's also kathy, april, angela, natasha, julia, theresa, ann, brenda, kelly, sharon, siobhan, jessica, tammy, stephanie, leslie, donna, erin, carol and polly. i'm sure i'm forgetting some people but you guys are amazing and i'm sorry if i didn't mention your name [it'll come to me at the 4am bottle hah] . you guys helped us get through the roller coaster and made it nice to come to the ICN instead of dreading it.

the doctors that mean the world to us is dr tackman, dr kicklighter and dr young. you guys ROCK. thank you for everything. dr dunn was also great but we didn't get to spend much time with her.

thank you to the RT's that helped ease our nerves. jenn, katrina, norm, amy and kevin. thank you for the wonderful bedside manner and just making a point to come talk to us and hang out. jenn .. thank you so much for the beautiful quilts .. i'll forever be grateful. katrina .. thank you for snuggling with payton as soon as susan would call you. you guys snuggling our babies at night when we couldn't be there is amazing. ya'll did not have to do that .. so it's just another reason why we hold you guys near and dear to our hearts.

to the staff at the ICN .. we thank you as well. shelby, jennifer, brenda and tonya. you guys were always so helpful when jarrod would call and always very nice to us at the scrub sink. we become really great friends .. especially laughing over crazy things that happen at the scrub sink.

thank you everyone that i have forgotten to thank. it really does make a difference when you're going through the hardest thing in your life .. to have people surround you that understand and really care about your babies.

i'm sure i will refer back to our ICN days many times from this point on. it was a huge chapter in our lives. one of the managers told us early on that most parents get "ICN-itis' but we never did. we scrubbed in around a total of 275 times and spent 218 hours in the car from hillsborough to the hospital.

every moment spent at the hospital was worth having the loves of my life come home to us. i wish my twins had never seen the inside of the intensive care nursery .. but i couldn't have asked for a better place for them to be.